It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, IWN, woke up in a disease-infested jungle. It was the third time it had happened. Feeling exceedingly stunned, IWN groped a dull pencil, thinking it would make her feel better (but as usual, it did not). Just as zero people expected she realized that her beloved diarhea was missing!  Immediately she called her overtly elitist, rich friend, Darius. IWN had known Darius for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were sassy ones.  Darius was unique. He was charismatic though sometimes a little... abrasive. IWN called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Darius picked up to a very nervous IWN. Darius calmly assured her that most disease-carrying chipmunks panic before mating, yet legless puppies usually charismatically grimace *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting IWN.  Why was Darius trying to distract IWN?  Because he had snuck out from IWN's with the diarhea only eleven days prior.  It was a exotic little diarhea... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before IWN got back to the subject at hand: her diarhea. Darius sighed. Relunctantly, Darius invited her over, assuring her they'd find the diarhea. IWN grabbed her hippopotamus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Darius realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the diarhea and he had to do it thoughtfully. He figured that if IWN took the rice rocket, he had take at least three minutes before IWN would get there.  But if she took the barbie car?  Then Darius would be alarmingly screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Darius was interrupted by five selfish Toilets that were lured by his diarhea. Darius sneezed; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling pleased, he aggressively reached for his gerbil and fearlessly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief.  That's when he heard the barbie car rolling up.  It was IWN.

----o0o----

As she pulled up, she felt a sense of urgency. She had had to make an unscheduled stop at Egg Roll King to pick up a 12-pack of dangerous oil-soaked rags, so she knew she was running late.  With a quick leap, IWN was out of the barbie car and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Darius's front door.  Meanwhile inside,  Darius was panicking.  Not thinking, he tossed the diarhea into a box of dangerous oil-soaked rags and then slid the box behind his elephant. Darius was relieved but at least the diarhea was concealed.  The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Darius scandalously purred.  With a calculated push, IWN opened the door.  'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some abrasive flaming idiot in a nappy, busted-out hatchback,' she lied.  'It's fine,' Darius assured her. IWN took a seat right next to where Darius had hidden the diarhea. Darius shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness.  'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted.  But IWN was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Darius noticed a annoying look on IWN's face. IWN slowly opened her mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Darius felt a stabbing pain in his taint when IWN asked this.  In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the diarhea right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what?  I don't smell anything..!'  A lie.  A annoying look started to form on IWN's face. She turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys.  She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. IWN nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Darius could react, IWN randomly lunged toward the box and opened it.  The diarhea was plainly in view.

IWN stared at Darius for what what must've been six minutes. Just as zero people expected Darius groped charismatically in IWN's direction, clearly desperate. IWN grabbed the diarhea and bolted for the door.  It was locked. Darius let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, IWN,' he rebuked. Darius always had been a little abrasive, so IWN knew that reconciliation was not an option; she needed to escape before Darius did something crazy, like... start chucking dull pencils at him or something. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, she gripped her diarhea tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Darius looked on, blankly. 'What the hell?  That seemed excessive.  The other door was open, you know.' Silence from IWN. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame eleven days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for IWN. 'Oh.  You ..okay?' Still silence. Darius walked over to the window and looked down. IWN was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, IWN was struggling to make her way through the secret vineyard behind Darius's place. IWN had severely hurt her fingernail during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength.  Another pack of feral Toilets suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diarhea.  One by one they latched on to IWN.  Already weakened from her injury, IWN yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed.  The last thing she saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Toilets running off with her diarhea.

About eight hours later, IWN awoke, her prostate throbbing.  It was dark and IWN did not know where she was.  Deep in the humid imaginery desert, IWN was abundantly lost. A few unsatisfying minutes later, she remembered that her diarhea was taken by the Toilets. But at that point, she was just thankful for her life.  That's when, to her horror, a big Toilet emerged from the imaginery desert.  It was the alpha Toilet. IWN opened her mouth to scream but was cut short when the Toilet sunk its teeth into IWN's prostate. With a faint groan, the life escaped from IWN's lungs, but not before she realized that she was a failure.

Less than three miles away, Darius was entombed by anguish over the loss of the diarhea.  'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened carrot.  With a apt thrust, he buried it deeply into his scalp.  As the room began to fade to black, he thought about IWN... wishing he had found the courage to tell her that he loved her.  But he would die alone that day.  All that remained was the diarhea that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise.  And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Toilets, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come.  Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead.  So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

.......... ??????