It all started when our predictably heroic hero, Radioactive Man, woke up in a lemur-infested moor. It was the ninth time it had happened. Feeling scarcely puzzled, Radioactive Man slapped a carrot, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). Duly ecstatic about the looming crises, he realized that his beloved diary was missing! Immediately he called his lover, Fallout Boy. Radioactive Man had known Fallout Boy for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were enticing ones. Fallout Boy was unique. She was clever though sometimes a little... funny-smelling. Radioactive Man called her anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Fallout Boy picked up to a very ecstatic Radioactive Man. Fallout Boy calmly assured him that most Indonesian devil cats sneeze before mating, yet Indonesian devil cats usually exotically cringe *after* mating. She had no idea what that meant; she was only concerned with distracting Radioactive Man. Why was Fallout Boy trying to distract Radioactive Man? Because she had snuck out from Radioactive Man's with the diary only three days prior. It was a electric little diary... how could she resist?

It didn't take long before Radioactive Man got back to the subject at hand: his diary. Fallout Boy belched. Relunctantly, Fallout Boy invited him over, assuring him they'd find the diary. Radioactive Man grabbed his rhinocerus and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Fallout Boy realized that she was in trouble. She had to find a place to hide the diary and she had to do it aimlessly. She figured that if Radioactive Man took the spaceship, she had take at least eleven minutes before Radioactive Man would get there. But if he took the time machine? Then Fallout Boy would be abundantly screwed.

Before she could come up with any reasonable ideas, Fallout Boy was interrupted by ten abrasive Care Bears that were lured by her diary. Fallout Boy panicked; 'Not again', she thought. Feeling stunned, she carefully reached for her dull pencil and recklessly deflowered every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the swamp, squealing with discontent. She exhaled with relief. That's when she heard the time machine rolling up. It was Radioactive Man.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Sears to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a hasty leap, Radioactive Man was out of the time machine and went explosively jaunting toward Fallout Boy's front door. Meanwhile inside, Fallout Boy was panicking. Not thinking, she tossed the diary into a box of ninja stars and then slid the box behind her whale. Fallout Boy was pleased but at least the diary was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Fallout Boy wildly purred. With a skillful push, Radioactive Man opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some dimwitted flaming idiot in a magic flying carpet,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Fallout Boy assured him. Radioactive Man took a seat frighteningly close to where Fallout Boy had hidden the diary. Fallout Boy cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide her nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' she blurted. But Radioactive Man was distracted. Before the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, Fallout Boy noticed a annoying look on Radioactive Man's face. Radioactive Man slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Fallout Boy felt a stabbing pain in her ear when Radioactive Man asked this. In a moment of disbelief, she realized that she had hidden the diary right by her oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A clueless look started to form on Radioactive Man's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet South American hissing sloths. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Radioactive Man nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Fallout Boy could react, Radioactive Man fearlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The diary was plainly in view.

Radioactive Man stared at Fallout Boy for what what must've been ten minutes. Just as zero people expected Fallout Boy groped explosively in Radioactive Man's direction, clearly desperate. Radioactive Man grabbed the diary and bolted for the door. It was locked. Fallout Boy let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Radioactive Man,' she rebuked. Fallout Boy always had been a little stupid, so Radioactive Man knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Fallout Boy did something crazy, like... start chucking potatos at her or something. A few unfulfilled decades later, he gripped his diary tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Fallout Boy looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Radioactive Man. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly she felt a tinge of concern for Radioactive Man. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Fallout Boy walked over to the window and looked down. Radioactive Man was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Radioactive Man was struggling to make his way through the imaginery desert behind Fallout Boy's place. Radioactive Man had severely hurt his taint during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Care Bears suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the diary. One by one they latched on to Radioactive Man. Already weakened from his injury, Radioactive Man yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Care Bears running off with his diary.

About two hours later, Radioactive Man awoke, his scalp throbbing. It was dark and Radioactive Man did not know where he was. Deep in the inhospitable fanstic pumpkin patch, Radioactive Man was very lost. A few freaknasty minutes later, he remembered that his diary was taken by the Care Bears. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a enlarged Care Bear emerged from the bush. It was the alpha Care Bear. Radioactive Man opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Care Bear sunk its teeth into Radioactive Man's ear. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Radioactive Man's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than two miles away, Fallout Boy was entombed by anguish over the loss of the diary. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' she cried, as she reached for a sharpened dangerous oil-soaked rag. With a careful thrust, she buried it deeply into her scalp. As the room began to fade to black, she thought about Radioactive Man... wishing she had found the courage to tell him that she loved him. But she would die alone that day. All that remained was the diary that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Care Bears, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(

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